In my last post on hypnosis, I primarily addressed show hypnosis, and why I think it’s usually done wrong all over the world. Hypnosis however, can be a wonderful tool for giving. It has certain qualities and components that allow the hypnotist to elicit certain feelings that, for some people, are incredibly rare commodities. Sometimes you’ll find people crying just from being put into trance.
So now I’d like to invite my readers for a virtual workshop. You can imagine attending a burn and sitting at a theme camp workshop before going out to party for the night. I’ll be informal, brief and on to target, and tell you how you can utilize a few of the core components of hypnosis in improving your intimate human connections, and become a “Real Energy Worker” in your own right.
That sounds like corny mentalist stage patter, right? When people talk about “energies” in an occult context, what they really mean is “feelings”. Like someone saying “this building has a foreboding energy” really means “I have a foreboding feeling in this building.” Of course then they put all kinds of beliefs and theories behind that, but we’ll generously disregard all that. I’ve been told multiple times after using the following approaches that I must be a high level energy worker. Well I never paid a guru for an initiation, but I cultivate empathy and love, and apparently that is enough to deliver positive “energy” (ie. feelings) to the people I connect with.
First, for what hypnosis is, please read my previous post on the topic, in case you haven’t already. Read it? Good. Because I won’t be teaching you hypnosis. Some of you wouldn’t believe that I could teach you in a single blog post, while some would claim that I couldn’t deliver the necessary way of thinking, including safety & security. The former would be wrong, the latter would be right. So no hypnosis here. I’ll talk about approaches that are just as good for delivering positive feelings to people.
And these will, in my opinion, not only make you a Real Energy Worker, but a better hypnotist as well, should you ever decide to learn that craft.
Step one to Energy Working: Learn how to Hug
This is a truly wonderful discovery I made in the magical world of hippies, and it’s so simple. Becoming a person with a reassuring, emotionally healing hug is really easy, you just need to learn two things not to do in a hug, and only one thing to do.
Here’s the two things you shouldn’t do in a hug: push, or pull.
Here’s the one thing you should do in a hug: be present.
CONSENT CLAUSE: The first step to hugging someone is making sure whether they want to hug. Pushing includes pushing a hug on someone who doesn’t want it. Don’t do it.
So hopefully you’re in a consensual hug with someone, and they are hugging you back. If you are hugging a person who isn’t hugging you back, there’d better be a good reason for that (like their arms are in casts). In a regular situation the lack of reciprocity is a good sign that you should withdraw from the hug, as it’s not welcome.
So first, don’t push. This is especially important with lovers. Unless you’re just coincidentally hugging each other while having sex anyway, do not initiate any kind of erotic activity, do not feel your partner up, do not try to french kiss, etc. You can also get pushy in a non-sexual way, so if the other person’s body language indicates that they would like to leave the hug, gently disengage.
Then, don’t pull. If you’re in a hurry somewhere, don’t offer hugs, or at least prefix them by saying “sorry I’m in a hurry mwah-mwah gotta go kthxbye”. But that’s not a proper hug, just a formality. So don’t pull away from a hug. You decided to give it, stand by your decision. Don’t disengage, or make motions to disengage, before the other person does.
(What happens when both people follow this advice? They will possibly spend a wonderful few minutes to a few hours together. Don’t worry about that for now, you’ll know when it’s time to part as it happens. If you decide to give, then stand by that.)
Some people will loosen their grip, but then pull you in tighter. So don’t try to escape at the first sign of their letting go. Make it a nonverbal conversation: “Time to leave?” “Yes?” “Okay, I still love you.” “Love you, bye.” And definitely not “Leaving? Okay! Imouttahere, kthxbye!”
So not doing these things is already a lot more than what most people will give, and will by themselves elevate you to being a walking source of love and happiness. Now for what you should do: be present.
Keep a stable, safe hold of the other person, let yourself be there and pay attention to their movements and breathing. Don’t let yourself be distracted by what you should be doing, your phone, the traffic, etc. You’re there for the other person. Allow yourself to feel them, and feel your own reactions to being there. If you do this, you’ll notice that your breathing will naturally synchronize, maybe even your heartbeat after a while.
After letting go of the hug, stay with them. Don’t run, keep looking at the other person. Appreciate them and smile.
Sounds simple, right? It’s sad that so few people actually do this. Sure, it’s easy to do with a new lover. It comes naturally to many people in that situation. But how about with your mother or father? When was the last time you gave them your love and attention like this? Or a long-term partner with whom your relationship is strained?
I challenge you to hug your mom the next time you meet her, and follow my guidelines. Seriously. If you still have a mom, do it. You’ll be really thankful to yourself that you did. If your relationship is less then perfect, she might ask you what made you so affectionate all of a sudden. In that case, just tell her that you realized how much you love her. That’s explanation enough.
Step two to Energy Working: Learn how to Hold someone
In the article about hypnosis, I passingly mentioned regression. Not to be confused with various past life and alien abduction recall stuff (that, I personally, see as questionable and potentially amounting to malpractice), regression is a mental state where one regresses (lit. “returns”) to emotional patterns characteristic of a younger age. This experience, while an important part of healthy human psychology, is rather rare in modern society, and there are few socially normalized places for most adult Westerners to experience it without stigma.
It can be an extremely healing experience, and something that is not all that hard to give. Well-delivered hypnosis can provide this feeling, but it’s really not necessary. What is necessary is giving clear permission to the other person to let go, and ensuring them that we have the capacity to hold them as they do. This is a step up from hugging: it’s not reciprocal, it’s a gift of kindness. Also, it needs a higher level of consent: being put in an unfamiliar situation without prior discussion can make someone feel uncomfortable or unsafe, defeating the whole purpose.
So if you want to give this to someone, make sure that you are in a social relationship where something like this isn’t completely off the wall. Then, ask them if they would appreciate being held. If the answer is affirmative, the key to this is assuming a comfortable position, better sitting than standing, while holding much of their body weight. Calculate for your own fatigue, it’s important that you’re comfortable too. You can assume any position you like, the key is a) to communicate control and support, holding someone in a way you’d hold a child is generally a great approach, and b) to make sure nothing you do has a sexual overtone. Sexuality can be a trigger, and you don’t want to bring it in, even if you do otherwise have sexual tension going with the other person. Generally, if you’d feel inappropriate touching a small child in a certain way, make sure not to touch the other person like that.
So once you have the other person in your lap, or in a spoon, hold them reassuringly, and follow the advice about hugging. Don’t push or pull, and make sure to be present. One thing to note, in order to elicit a deep feeling of regression, you need to be somewhat firmer about your intention to hold and protect. You shouldn’t disengage immediately if the other person moves. Make it a drawn-out nonverbal, and potentially verbal discussion about whether they really want to leave, or just need a calming voice telling them that their Twitter notifications can wait for another ten minutes. WARNING: This does not mean you should hold anyone after consent had been revoked! If you cannot discern fuss from withdrawn consent, I advise you not to try this at all until you can.
Step three to Energy Working: Touch with feeling and intention
There are points on the human body that are more sensitive to touch than others. No, I’m not talking about erogenous zones. Take your right hand in your left, and move your thumb across your palm. You’ll find spots that are particularly sensitive, like the base joints of your fingers, and the soft areas right inbetween them. The human body is full of spots like these.
Explore yourself, and find as many as you can. Find the optimal pressure that is the most intense, without being painful. Gently drawing your finger on your skin, find spots where you are ticklish, and find what kinds of touch feel good, and what kinds of touch feel uncomfortable. Knowing these spots gives you the “where” of touch. It won’t teach you how to heal cancer with accupressure or somesuch (honestly I’m very skeptical of people claiming similar things), but it will definitely teach you how to heal a chronic lack of human touch. WARNING: Note that many of these points are considered highly intimate due to the feelings they elicit, and you should seek consent before touching, even if you are already hugging or holding someone.
As for the “how” of touch, here’s what you shouldn’t do. You don’t poke, and you don’t boop. (A boop is a short touch immediately withdrawn, like how you’d playfully “boop” your child on the nose.) That’s a form of tickling, and can be part of your playful touch repertoire for sexy times, but not for anything hugging, holding, or hypnosis related. You touch slowly, deliberately, with gentle pressure. You can imagine giving time for your finger or palm to transmit your body heat to the other person.
Also, you don’t grab. This is important as heck. Not by the pussy or balls, not by the ass, not by the waist, not by anything. Grabbing is possessive, even if it’s not expressly sexual (though, usually it is). So no grabbing. Touching with your palm should be done with an open palm, slightly relaxed and spread fingers. All pressure should be on your palm, and none on your fingers. Holding hands is okay and encouraged, but let the person you’re holding initiate it first. Gently placing a palm on their hands is nice though.
And well, I decided to tell you all these guidelines because I’ve seen otherwise really nice people being completely illiterate about human touch, but don’t follow it to the letter. Follow it to the spirit. You need the right intention, which is to comfort and hold, and never to possess or dominate. And the most important part, again is being present, and mirroring the other person. If you pay attention, you’ll be able to see their reactions, their small signals telling you what they would like, what they enjoy and what makes them uncomfortable.
Step four to Energy Working: Be prepared for abreactions
As I said, some people will burst out crying just from being put in a trance. These feelings are so rare that for some people, a regular hug will be something they last had when they were four years old. They might have had sex, but it was about power and control and possession, they might have hugged their children, but weren’t present to give and receive, and here comes a random hippie and gives them a hug, and suddenly they are reminded of all their feelings they convinced themselves of not having.
So while the reaction of most people will be positive, you’ll potentially encounter negative emotions. The easiest of which is having a crying person. As you’re not their therapist, don’t try to analyze them, or give them guidance. Make sure that they know you’re not inconvenienced by their emotional outburst. Ask them what would feel best for them, do they want you to stay with them, do they want to talk. Stay with them, unless they ask for time alone. (Hearing someone out is not the same as providing therapy or coaching! Hear them out without judgement, and refrain from giving advice.)
It’s possible that you get strange and hard to interpret reactions like shaking, jolts of movement, moans, sighs, strange vocalizations, tears or drool, etc. Hitchhiker’s Guide rules apply, don’t panic. Also don’t try to solve or fix anything. Make sure that they are okay. There are two questions you should ask. “Are you okay?”, and regardless to the answer to that one, “Would you like me to keep holding you?” If the answer is affirmative, keep holding them. If they told you they aren’t okay, also ask them if they need anything. Applying pressure with your palm over the chest, or the head can be comforting in case they are “not okay”.
A worse situation is an outburst of anger or other negative feelings. This can result in an immediate withdrawal of consent. You’re not their therapist, so it’s not up to you to fix them, and you didn’t do anything to them that you need to feel guilty about, so in such a case simply withdraw, be polite and respectful, and remember not to push.
It’s not strictly an abreaction, but a potentially unexpected occurrence, that they go into a deep trance all by themselves. This can result in becoming nonverbal, in infantile body language (snuggling, taking up a fetal pose, changes to facial expression) or body catalepsy (becoming immobile). This is a good thing. It means you gave them something wonderful, and they trust you enough to let go. In such a case, there are two things you must never do: get scared, or attempt giving hypnotic suggestions.
You don’t get scared, because in this state, your fright will be a traumatic experience for the person you are holding. And you don’t attempt giving suggestions because you didn’t receive consent for it, and you’re probably not trained how to do that well anyway. Don’t try to shake them awake, that’s just evil. You can ask the person if they are okay (you’ll likely get the slightest of nods along with a sigh or a hum), but don’t ask open questions. Asking a nonverbal person to talk is… well… not very nice. Let them be nonverbal. And tell them it’s okay, and that you’ve got them. Handling a regressed person follows exactly the same guidelines as holding a baby, only that they are a lot bigger and heavier.
You’d better not have anyplace to go in the following hour or so. If you, for some reason, do, or after an hour the other person is still in a trance, you can gently ask them to slowly come back, as you’ll need to leave soon. Don’t shake them awake!!! That’s extremely rude! Have you ever heard the phrase “a rude awakening”? So no shaking! They will come back soon enough. If they don’t, just repeat it gently several times, until they do. Don’t raise your voice. Be patient, and they will come back. Anything else, and you’d be breaking your implicit social contract formed by you offering to hold them, and can result in a break in interpersonal trust. Even if it’s the tiniest of cracks, it’s still a crack, You want to avoid that.
Step five to Energy Working: Hold your own boundaries
Just because you’re starting out in control of the situation, doesn’t mean that you need to disregard your own boundaries. Have a good grasp of what forms of touch you want to accept from the other person. It’s quite possible to hold someone while not allowing them to proactively touch you at all, but make sure to communicate this beforehand. Even if you’re okay with being touched, the gesture you provide can be misinterpreted as sexual, so it’s a good idea to lay down the groundwork before the first touch.
As you are in the situation with the other person, and they attempt to overstep your boundaries (like touching you on an erogenous zone, or starting to talk dirty, or similar), firmly but gently stop them. Remember that the other person is in a very vulnerable place, so being gentle at first is important. Like, take the offending hand, firmly return it to fetal position, hold it there, saying, for example “don’t. your hand remains here, okay?” Now if the other person doesn’t listen, and keeps pushing against your well-stated boundaries, then extract yourself, and tell them that they made you uncomfortable, and you don’t want to touch anymore.
Protect yourself, because if you don’t, you cannot protect anyone else either.
There are a few things to note. First, you should be able to discern a childish thirst for touch, that is pretty natural in a regressed state, from sexual attempts. Be equally firm in all cases that make you uncomfortable, but if the other person is in the mindset of a child, handle them as you would handle a real child. It’s easy to cause severe emotional damage to someone in this sort of altered state. As for opportunistic feel-ups and harrassment, as I said first be firm but gentle (unless you expressly discussed boundaries beforehand, and the other person wilfully disregarded it), and the second time is a great time to call “three strikes out”. Also, if you are holding a male bodied person, erections are not an indication of either sexual intent or desire, so don’t treat them (or lack of them) as anything other than an involuntary physiological phenomenon.
So that’s it for today. Go out and be nice to others.